I am tired of sin. I am weary of dishonest politicians, looters, warring factions, human trafficking, marital strife, wayward children, mass-shooters, abortion, pervasive anger, and sexual misconduct. There is so much wrong in the world that my spirit sometimes goes into narcoleptic fits, shutting out the noise and yuck of the incessant discord all around me.
There is one purveyor of sin, though, one pesky, annoying human from whom I cannot escape and for whom I harbor daily contempt. I would consider this person my Personal Enemy Number One, someone I would simply love to be able to avoid on most days. This person’s sin rings in my ears daily, and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to drown out the noise of it. This individual, whom I know personally to be cynical, hypocritical, self- focused, and deeply insecure wars against me constantly, accusing me of all manner of atrocities against God and man. And yet, this person is someone I cherish, nurture, feed, clothe, and coddle every single day. This nettlesome individual is none other than me.
Of all the sin and discord in the world that cloys my soul, it is the sin that resides in my own heart and mind that wearies me the most. Insecurities that steal my joy. Lightning fast rogue thoughts that challenge my faith. Bitterness, mistrust, envy, jealousy, and worry that repeatedly slam into my heart until my soul is battered and bruised. And the salt that rubs deep into the wounds, that keeps them raw and angry, is the abrasive irritant of guilt.
But God, in his expansive love, has provided a formula for combatting the enemy within (and those without). He knows my heart, even the dark parts of it, and he has equipped me with everything I need to stave off condemnation. That heavenly formula is forgiveness, love for enemy, and self-denial.
Forgiveness
When I encounter an enemy, I am commanded to pray for him (Matthew 5:44). So I plead for a forgiving spirit, just like Christ did from the cross (Luke 23:34). The Holy Spirit empowers me to employ that level of forgiveness, and in fact, Jesus lists it as a requirement for receiving it from the Father (Matthew 6:15).
If I am my own worst enemy, it follows, then, that I must extend forgiveness to myself. Not in an effort to absolve myself of guilt, but as a means to obtain the freedom to move forward through the plans God has for me in carrying out his will for my life. Forgiving myself is simply accepting the forgiveness I have received through Jesus Christ. If I am focused on my sin and walk in constant condemnation, I cannot be Christ to other people in my sphere of influence. A repentant sinner is a credible and powerful witness to the forgiveness of God.
Love
When I encounter an enemy, I am also commanded to love him (Luke 6:27). So I plead for a loving spirit. The Holy Spirit replaces my hatred and distrust with a supernatural love that emulates that of Christ (John 13:34).
If I am my own Personal Enemy Number One, then I must apply to myself God’s principles for loving enemies. What does loving yourself actually mean? I can start with what it doesn’t mean. Self-love is not the same as self-esteem. Nowhere in the Bible does God command us to esteem ourselves. Quite the opposite. When God says, “Love others as you love yourself” (Matthew 22:39), he is not commanding us to show ourselves love. He is making a tacit assumption that we already do.
John Piper explains,
First, this biblical commandment assumes that all of us love ourselves and don’t need to be taught at all to love ourselves. It is an assumption. Every person…without exception has a massive love affair with yourself. You don’t need to be taught at all. And it has, secondly, nothing to do with self-esteem. Your love for yourself is very simply your desire to be happy and to do whatever it takes to make your life the way you want it. (God’s) not talking as if first you must learn to esteem yourself, and then out of that rich appreciation for your qualities, you now are free to love other people — which presumably, then, would mean to help them appreciate how wonderful they are. The words are not a command to love yourself; they are an assumption: love your neighbor as you already love yourself — no questions asked about it. Nobody ever hated himself, but nourishes and cherishes himself. Everybody, without exception, loves himself — whatever his self-esteem is, high or low. Everybody wants food to eat and will do almost anything to get it if we get hungry enough. Everybody wants to drink and not die of thirst, and we will do almost anything to serve ourselves with drink if we get thirsty enough. Everybody wants to avoid injury and death, and we will do whatever it takes not to walk in front of a train or a truck or drink poison or get ourselves killed in some other way. Everybody likes to be praised, and apart from grace, we all subtly say things and do things to be liked, to be praised. It takes a massive work of divine grace to free you from that idol. We love the praise of men. Everyone has self-love. Jesus does not command it; he assumes it.
But while we love ourselves, in the sense that we care for ourselves and strive to make ourselves happy, without Christ in our lives, or even with him there, we can also have a propensity toward self-loathing. In this regard, we can apply the mandate to “love our enemies.” Andrew Peterson, in his song Be Kind to Yourself wrote,
How does it end when the war that you’re in is just you against you against you? Gotta learn to love, learn to love, learn to love your enemies too. You can’t expect to be perfect. It’s a fight you’ve gotta forfeit. You belong to me whatever you do, so lay down your weapon, darling. Take a deep breath and believe that I love you. Be kind to yourself. Gotta learn to love, learn to love, learn to love your enemies too.
Self-Denial
Self is one of the prevailing weapons the enemy wields against us. Whether we are focusing on self-love or self-loathing, we are perpetually focused on self. The counter weapon, the command from Jesus Christ who was himself the master wielder of it, is self-denial (Luke 9:23). And just as self-love is not the same as self-esteem, self-denial is not the same as self-deprecation.
Self-denial, that is, a profound placing of the needs of others ahead of your own (Philippians 2:3-8), is self-love. Self-denial is loving yourself because it takes your mind off of yourself and places the focus on others, which makes God happy and you happy, which is the crux of loving yourself.
Scott Hubbard, in an article for Desiring God, wrote,
The life we find on the other side of self-denial may look far different from the life we’ve always known. But it will not — it cannot — be worse. It is a life where we gain a hundredfold more than we ever give up (Mark 10:30). It is a life where we are no longer a broken note in the symphony of the universe, but are rather sounding the part God created us for. It is a life with Jesus: maker of all beauty, redeemer of all brokenness, fountain of all joy. When you deny yourself, you will not lose yourself—not ultimately. You will find yourself. If you want to delight the devil, then refuse to deny yourself. But if you want to defy your ancient foe, if you want to scorn the one who hates your soul, if you want to cut off the arms that would drag you to hell, then bend down and pick up your cross.
Somehow, when I apply God’s formula for dealing with enemies, my own Personal Enemy Number One is transformed into Beloved Child of the King, as I lean into his promise of freedom, lost, then found, under the loving grip of the Savior who redeemed me.